I
always had said, “If I wind up in the hospital and have to quit smoking, I will
never pick the habit up again.”
Well,
been there, done that, and I haven’t quit smoking. Not all the way anyway. I left the hospital on January 3rd,
and the first thing I wanted was a cigarette.
There was no stopping me, “Dam it, I want a cigarette NOW!”
Before
I unexpectedly entered the hospital, I was only smoking five cigarettes per
day. I wanted to quit. I’ve quit the habit off and on for the past
four years. So why was I so determined
to smoke another cigarette, after not smoking anything for over two weeks?
Well,
for one thing, I was angry. I was angry
at what had happened to me. I was weak
and struggling just to walk. On top of
that, I now had to wear a colostomy bag for damn near a year; then it’ll be
surgery number three at Christmas time again.
When
I left the hospital, I couldn’t even look at a computer screen for more than
ten minutes for the first two months. Even today I still have problems focusing, and
I still can’t sit in front of a computer and work like I use to. My wife often times reminds me that I’m lucky
to be alive. And I realize this.
Still
though, a battle waged inside of me to put myself together again, like I use to
be. I even caught myself eating
chocolate and candy like it was going out of style, because I had lost weight
during my hospital stay. I felt weak,
like I needed to buff up; anything to put Humpty back together again, if you
know what I mean.
Smoking
cigarettes was my way of taking back my life.
It was the one thing that I had control over. I felt like a grown-up again, instead of some
ill-stricken little kid. If I’m going to
stop smoking, it will be my chose; not because I have to. It was important for me to feel strong and in
control, because I was feeling like a total indolent for the first month, if
not longer, after two surgeries.
Now
I realize why my brother didn’t quit smoking after landing himself in I.C.U.
with chronic lung issues several times.
He’ll be on oxygen for the rest of his life, due to chemical exposure. Eventually he gave them up, but he smoked for
a good eight years, after the big event.
I
share this story with you, in case you know someone who is stepping out of a
hospital, due to some major circumstance beyond their control. Be a little understanding.
If
it wasn’t for a movie I seen this past weekend, and a comment made by a
visiting friend, I would have never realized why I felt the need to pick up a
cigarette, after not having one for seventeen days. Now that I am aware of “why,” I think maybe I
will exercise some more control and quit smoking all together.
