FINDING YOUR SELF IMAGE AFTER THE HOSPITAL

I always had said, “If I wind up in the hospital and have to quit smoking, I will never pick the habit up again.”

Well, been there, done that, and I haven’t quit smoking.  Not all the way anyway.  I left the hospital on January 3^rd, and the first thing I wanted was a cigarette.  There was no stopping me, “Dam it, I want a cigarette NOW!”

Before I unexpectedly entered the hospital, I was only smoking five cigarettes per day.  I wanted to quit.  I’ve quit the habit off and on for the past four years.  So why was I so determined to smoke another cigarette, after not smoking anything for over two weeks?

Well, for one thing, I was angry.  I was angry at what had happened to me.  I was weak and struggling just to walk.  On top of that, I now had to wear a colostomy bag for damn near a year; then it’ll be surgery number three at Christmas time again.

When I left the hospital, I couldn’t even look at a computer screen for more than ten minutes for the first two months.  Even today I still have problems focusing, and I still can’t sit in front of a computer and work like I use to.  My wife often times reminds me that I’m lucky to be alive.  And I realize this.

Still though, a battle waged inside of me to put myself together again, like I use to be.  I even caught myself eating chocolate and candy like it was going out of style, because I had lost weight during my hospital stay.  I felt weak, like I needed to buff up; anything to put Humpty back together again, if you know what I mean.

Smoking cigarettes was my way of taking back my life.  It was the one thing that I had control over.  I felt like a grown-up again, instead of some ill-stricken little kid.  If I’m going to stop smoking, it will be my chose; not because I have to.  It was important for me to feel strong and in control, because I was feeling like a total indolent for the first month, if not longer, after two surgeries.

Now I realize why my brother didn’t quit smoking after landing himself in I.C.U. with chronic lung issues several times.  He’ll be on oxygen for the rest of his life, due to chemical exposure.  Eventually he gave them up, but he smoked for a good eight years, after the big event.

I share this story with you, in case you know someone who is stepping out of a hospital, due to some major circumstance beyond their control.  Be a little understanding. 

If it wasn’t for a movie I seen this past weekend, and a comment made by a visiting friend, I would have never realized why I felt the need to pick up a cigarette, after not having one for seventeen days.  Now that I am aware of “why,” I think maybe I will exercise some more control and quit smoking all together.